© 2009 lefron

A Fall With No Rise

As I begin my 5am shift this morning at a gym downtown, delivering the usual nod and grin to incoming members, packing lists start running through my head. (Per usual-when is a list not running through my head?) September approaches, and thus the giddy excitement of back to school shopping, the prospect of seeing old friends, and the hopes that maybe this year that boy will notice you quickly approach. Then a realization crosses my mind. How silly of me. I don’t have to pack. I don’t have to plan. I don’t have to worry, dread, anticipate, dream horrible naked dreams…For the first time in 16 years I’m not going back to school. For the first time in 16 years my September brings no drastic change, no structured rubric. What will I do with my hands when they are so empty without No.2 pencils? What will strain my mind at 2 in the morning and later fill me with pride when I click “save”? How ever will I survive a gradual transition from summer to fall, when most of my life school has so kindly made the flip for me? I’ve thought this over, I remind myself, this is what I want. I want no structure, no boundaries, no man to stick it to. I asked for this–I asked for complete unknowing; the horrifying idea that I have no idea where September will take me this time around. In the years past (while each different and unpredictable) I was assured the fact that September brought October, October Halloween, November Thanksgiving, December Christmas, January New Years… There was an endpoint for every month–a checkpoint reminding me that the next one was coming. A cycle, or trainride rather, that I rode in circles with different passengers through time. Now, I’ve gotten off the train-and while I know what stop I got off at, I have no idea what train I’m catching next.

One Comment

  1. Posted August 29, 2009 at 12:38 am | #

    And isnt the terrifying freedom BEAUTIFUL!! Share a seat sometime?

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