© 2009 lefron

Anxiety

Anxiety overwhelms me again. The cause of so many sleepless nights, listless lists, undone assignments, unfinished projects. My anxiety puts me through a series of tests by which I cannot complete anything until the tests are filled out and turned in. After months of being anxiety-free, she strikes again. I lay in bed tonight (well, rather I am in bed) trying to sleep, and the test begins:
1. Did you pack everything for tomorrow?
Yes
2. Food?
Yes
3. Workout clothes?
Yes
4. Knitting?
No, I’ll remember tomorrow
5. Key to work?
Yes
6. What else do you need for your Halloween costume?
Gloves, stockings, shoes
7. Where/when will you get them?
Value Village or Costume & Display, next week or this weekend
8. When are you going to ask Gabby to help you hem the dress?
I’ll ask her tomorrow what’s a good day for her
9. What are you going to do after work tomorrow? Should you shower?
I don’t know…
10. Don’t you have a corset you can wear under your dress for Halloween instead of buying spanx?
Maybe…oh I do!
11. Maybe you should just spraypaint shoes you have red. Do you have some you could spray paint?
I think so…
12. Are you sure you have everything for the morning?
Yes

13. What time is it? How many hours now?

10:00. 5 hours of sleep

14. I wonder what people find if they google me.

(answerless unless googled)

15. Don’t forget to print a headshot for UP!

Shit

I got up out of bed and tried on my corset with my dress. I double checked my gym bag and put my knitting in it to be sure I wouldn’t forget in the morning. I googled myself. These stupid rituals I perform allow me to answer Yes to all the test questions. For only once I’ve responded Yes to all of them will my Anxiety let me rest. Why all the sudden has she returned to my life? I’m perfectly happy, there’s NOTHING I have going on in my life to cause me stress or make me worry.

Ok that’s not true. There is one thing. And it’s out of my control-something that I’ve learned causes me indirect stress and therefore anxiety over the things I can control-if I can control every other possible thing in my life, no matter how mundane (I mean really how horrible would it be if I left my knitting at home tomorrow), then I know I’m doing all I can to control my life. (And subsequently hope to feel better about the one thing I can’t control.)

I think subconsciously I knew Anxiety was back. I tried to make a preemptive strike today and rearranged my entire room. I moved every single piece of furniture in my room. Somehow I expected to feel satisfied and “in control” when it was all done. Yet when I fucking went to bed I still lay there and screamed at myself inside my head to SHUT UP. As soon as I recognized the anxiety in my head, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I knocked “update blog about anxiety” off the test. And now I’m aching to google Jessica Rabbit just so I can make sure the shoes I have will work with my costume.

One Comment

  1. Carol
    Posted November 11, 2009 at 1:50 am | #

    Listen, next time “she” shows up, you let me know. I will beat the crap out of her!

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