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Lefron » From a Lily to a Holla, Ladylike Ensues
© 2010 lefron

From a Lily to a Holla, Ladylike Ensues

I’ve become tragically thoughtless. A full week has gone by where I’ve neither been stimulated emotionally nor infused intellectually to the point of the paradoxical thought and woven detangling that I’m used to. I generally think alot; I analyze people’s actions, pinpointing psychological reasoning for behaviors and methods of manipulation–I process events and activities as though their purposes are worthy or in need of interpretation: I find things that don’t make sense and make sense of them. Right now, what doesn’t make sense to me is that everything makes sense. (Even my sensible state is a paradox…the thoughts do linger…)

For the first time in a really, really long time, I wake up and today is the only day in the world. I didn’t try to feel this way, but somehow I’ve been moving at a pace that neither involves the end of the race nor contemplates how I’ve come to this spot on the road. I’m not even really on a road, it’s more like…what is it like…hold on I’m train-of-thoughting…ok the first thing I thought of was a record. Which bothers me. A record, a one sided plaque that while exerting different tunes (each unique and entertaining) one after the other, must be played back from the start when the tracks are up. While for the duration of the record monotony is broken, that same packaged chain of events is recurring. Dependable, but recurring.

Such are my days. 7 days a week, each day labeled with a song title: Monday Hike Day, Tuesday Craft Day, Wednesday Weight Day, Thursday Work Day, Friday Do Whatever You Didn’t Do on the Day it Should Have Been Done Day, Saturday Work Day, Sunday Work Day. (And yes, I’m very strict about these days, their titles are direct reflections of the ONLY things I do that day.) In some ways I like the monotony; I have a daily to-do, something to accomplish and feel satisfied about at the end of the day. It allows me to stray from the woes of tomorrow and concentrate my focus and energy on the present. In other ways, I’m finding myself losing touch with spontanaeity and (while totally unrelated) feeling in general (or rather the insane spectrum of feeling I know I’m insensibly capable of). Sure when I finish a hike I feel like a fucking king and want to sing at the top of my lungs and share the most awesome gratitude for this earth with everyone I know, and yeah when I come home from work I’m like, “Sup mom, I love you,” but even now in writing this entry, I feel totally unenthused about floundering in my ideas. I feel a little secure.

This is so funny to me, because the traits I keep thinking to describe how I’m feeling (or not feeling) are all intrinsicly “good” qualities; I’m secure, confident, positive, active, helpful, polite, honest…I’m behaving how a “good” human being should behave–and not because someone’s asked me to or I’ve decided to (which is what bothers me even more…I can’t figure out why I’m behaving). Suddenly, by taking risks and trying new things (dear lord I can’t even find an interesting way to say this) I’m playing it safe. Even my language (how you’re able to read this without exiting your browser from boredom is beyond me, I’m bored just writing it) is dull and monotone; my thoughts (while still existent, I’m not a robot) are one tracked (I’m no longer side-tracked) and it’s causing me/allowing me to feel a little bit normal in my day to day world.

Normal is a lot easier than not normal. I don’t drive myself crazy with thoughts of my future and success, I’m not vulnerable to pain and heartbreak, I feel little guilt or regret since I take care of things as they come (I’ve somehow stopped procrastinating too…WTF is Rachel (as in whatthefuck, whothefuck, and wherethefuck), and I’m pretty fucking happy every day. Turns out I’m pretty fucking bored with total happiness. It is way too easy. And it’s not me–I don’t walk to Ken’s Market I DRIVE COS I’M A LAZY MOTHER FUCKER. I don’t clean my room every day because I WAIT UNTIL I CAN’T SEE THE FLOOR. I don’t wake up smiling, so excited to start such a super new day, because sometimes I LIKE SLEEPING UNTIL 2PM. I’m no friggin angel, I make mistakes, I’m messy, I screw up ALL the time. And when I get something right, that’s what gives me the eeby jeebies. Not planning to accomplish a task and then finishing it, but fucking up something random then doing it again and again until I’m a motherfucking superstar. Sure I might look a little stupider and I might gain a little less, but I will certainly think alot harder and discover a hell of a lot more about myself that way. How am I supposed to appreciate bliss if I never feel agony? (Ah, beauty is pain…no pain no gain…I don’t make this shit up.)

A. I’ll still incorporate my new activities into my life, a little monotony keeps me sane. B. I’m still naturally nuts, so with a little probing the thoughts will come, I’ll just have to work a little harder.┬áC. My ass hurts from biking.

I was bored until like 5 seconds ago. Now I’m all squirmy and anxious again. I’m going back to bed, I was dreaming about cookies and I want one.

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