© 2010 lefron

Easier Dispensed than Spent

I have a horrible tendency to let myself down in lieu of others. It’s completely partial to my people-pleasing aesthetic and partly compelled by my self-sabotaging nature; I’d rather let myself down than let others down. Lately this quality has manifested itself in a time-boggled anxiety, by which my desire to perform at work (mostly for punctualities sake-I live in constant fear of tardiness) disables me from functioning on a daily basis. My mind counterclocks time, listing backwards from the hour I have to be at work down to the hour I “plan” to wake up. 5:30, be at work. Rewind one hour for parking/traffic/commute. Rewind one hour for shower/hair/makeup. Rewind 30 extra minutes just to be safe. 3:00. Rewind 30 minutes lunch. Rewind one hour for bike ride, including to & from time. Rewind one hour to lunch. 1:00. Rewind, check it, that’s like 5 free hours in your day Rach… but when I wake up the next morning (after laying in bed planning this backwards agenda followed by anxiety dreams about fajitas and and green enchiladas) there seems to be no time at all, and I live in fear of leaving my couch for loss of said no-time and worry of disappointing the empire that is my Mexican restaurant.

Last night I spent the evening with four old friends from high school (they’re not old, we’re still friends, but it sounds more meaningful and epic that way) at a house on Bainbridge Island on the waterfront. Though the weather was shiet (per usual, thanks Seattle for being a dick), we spent twelve hours on the beach drinking Pacificos and Maker’s Mark (not together, we’ve grown up a little bit since high school give us some credit), reminiscing, philosophizing, and venting. Like most camp out nights with old friends evolve, our conversation turned to time; a linear explanation created to explain the feeling of passing, a label engrained in our senses structured with clocks and monitors used to manipulate our actions and memories…I argued in time’s defense (or rather pro-linear), claiming the decay of age itself is linear and can’t be described as stable or immobile, but rather as a moving, progressive, and changing evolution that describes time’s purpose as a label of comprehension. The non-linear argued that decayed human cells don’t get lost in the past (arguably unexisting; posing on the idea that a linear time suggests there’s a behind and a forward) ┬ábut rather are displaced/replaced into space surrounding us; that the idea of past present future is merely an excuse for us to exist in regret or fear of unpredictabiltiy (or rather what could have been predicted.)

Obviously/unfortunately our society doesn’t allow me to live as though time were simply an idea. (Though I’d love to exist on the whim that I’m living a non-linear lifestyle. I’ll start a cult soon.) So how can I embrace the idea that time is nonexistent (or rather a counted division of the existing), while accepting time as a commitment I have to make in order to survive? (It sounds really intense when I say it that way…it was an intense campfire sesh.) For starters, I’ve got to stop counting so damn much. It’s unhealthy how much I count and add and subtract time…it consumes my thoughts to the point where I can’t sleep or get out of bed for fear/excess of counting. Countercism. If I count less, if I plan less, I’m less able to betray my counted hours and neglect my planned time, and in return it should be a little harder to let myself down. Because really, the life I lead (or claim to lead (or want to lead (or choose to lead (or try to lead (or pretend to lead (or love to lead)))))) will exist and occur whether I plan to do it or not; whether I count the hours from now until tomorrow, they will occur no matter how I fill them. (And this is where my error lies: in “filling” time, as though it were sandwiched and collapsed between barriers.)

This is now, and I’d love to lead my now in presence, all barriers aside.

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