© 2011 lefron

You Chose, Everything But the Inevitable

It’s 2:44am (6:44pm TOMORROW Hong Kong time, can I talk enough about my fucking departure?) and I haven’t the slightest smidgen of fatigue. I’ve spent the last oh, say four hours listening to music, Facebook stalking, and tumbling (on tumblr), and drinking red wine (which I never, ever, seriously ever, do). Let me repeat, I never drink red wine. I know, you thought  I was being sarcastic saying I never drink, funny. I don’t know what’s keeping me up; there’s nothing to wait for, no reason I should be anxious to wake up at a certain time in the morning, and while I drive up to BC tomorrow my flight’s not until Wednesday. So why the fuck have I been listening to GLEE on repeat for a fucking hour?

Maybe I’m trying to induce some sorrow into myself, seeing as I haven’t felt any in a lot longer than I’m used to (not because I’m a sorry fuck, but when I feel I feel with deep intensity, so I’m confused as to my lack of emotion in my departure; I was expecting a huge meltdown). I’ve mulled over this thought, contemplating whether its because I know two months really isn’t a very long time, or whether its because my frame of thought has expanded and I no longer think in such magnified detail but more with an aerial perspective. Yeah, I think I like the latter. Shall we dissect? OKAY!

Generally, for me, in my life, this guy, what I do is, pick at each and every piece of the story; I zoom in and examine the particles of the photograph, embracing the beauty of every pigmented morsel. I find such beauty in every cog, filling my heart with fear and remorse for the fact that when viewed in actual size each pixel is no longer individually appreciated. I sympathize for the pixels, cringing and wooing at the thought of them becoming lost over time and decay, feeling nothing but the pain of the stagnant insignificance of a minute puzzle piece. I can always see “the big picture,” I know what it looks like, I understand how much simpler and pleasing to the eye it is (magnifying glasses are straining!), and I know that deep analyzation (while sometimes introspective and constructive) can be destructive, but I can’t help but linger on the poor, lonely, lost pixels.

Generally has not come to see me lately. I’ve pulled way back, so far that I’m not only holding the picture in the palm of my hand, but I’m seeing a panorama, and my gaze is not fixed but relaxed and contemplative; the picture in all its clarity and flamboyant vibrancy carries more stories and future than its composition. My fingers can trace its outline and extend beyond its representation; the fixation I created on the moment captured is no longer one lost, but one captured. It is for this I believe I’m able to venture oh so far away and fear not the dissipation of pixels; I’m not afraid that my memories will dissolve, nor that the moments I’ve captured won’t be as valuable as when they were taken: a photo is always a representation; I once worried a photo was only a reminder, and lately I seem to feel my stash of memories is instead a foundation from which to grow upon.

This is still moi we’re talking about, and I certainly carry the magnifying glass with me in order to examine and appreciate every grain and color. What’s changed is now I find instead of dwelling I’m rolling…I’m treading through time in an active and generously expansive manner; I’m feeling not only forward but left and right: I’m opening my fingers and grasping the air beside me, knowing that nothing is passing; only existing for the first time.

I feel, for once, not of what was, not of what could have been, but of what will be: I feel forward. I feel like I’m facing front and though I haven’t blinded myself from what’s behind I’m looking at a vast empty space, patiently waiting to feel the air.

My eyes are weary now, I find again my body following my thought in conclusion…at least they’re in tune.

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