© 2011 lefron

You’ve Had a Weird Day

Here it comes. The hanging moment between vibrant colors and sharp teeth; the point of lingering before the hour in which I fight against the downfall, holding on and grasping to my ledge working desperately not to release the tension in my fingertips into the free-fall to the rocks below, where that moment of suspension in midair feels like the right decision, an easy drift, barely moving but simply floating in the wind around me. It’s the landing that keeps me from letting go. I take that back; its the stunning view from the cliff above that draws me back, but I’m still hanging off the edge of this cliff and that’s what bothers me.

Lately (and by lately I mean the last five months or so, give or take, I’m not marking X’s (well in this case they’d be hearts stars and rainbows, cos each day’s been so uber fun!) on my calendar as each fantastic jour goes by) I’ve been skipping and frolicking through my days, bowing with a smile to every new friend, gesturing politely and openly to every new stranger. I find pleasure in exploring the unknown, and even more surprise in rediscovering old hobbies. On occasion things don’t go my way (perhaps a plan is spoiled by poor planning (Jamie loves this one), or items are lost or broken and what have you, but no error has been at fault; they’ve simply been bumps along the way. And now I’m driving down a new road, and its filled with speed bumps and potholes, and suddenly the tremor it causes is not only physical. There’s roads turning off in every direction, but none have signs and I find myself lost and abandoned, with no one in my passenger seat (save Zac Efron, he keeps me so hydrated) to help me make a decision, let alone sing along to Kube93 with. What I’m lacking is company and I know it.

I’ve driven on this road before (granted there were far less trees and much more hypocrisy), and luckily this time around I’m aware of what I need. Unfortunately, just because I need it doesn’t mean its going to plop infront of me (unlike my new favorite meal item in the College Activities Building, a fat plate of burrito minus the tortilla *please pronounce the L’s*). I am making an effort to fill this need; I sit in my common room and chat with my roomies, I make conversation and relate with my classmates (which thus far has proven the most effective, I really enjoy the company of my fellow campers/watercolorists), and I give big fat grins to everyone who gives me food and books (the only two places I go on campus). And I have to remind myself, this is my SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL. This isn’t kindergarten where you buddy up and you have a new BFF for life (nap time until the goldfish brain recycles, new BFF! Which in itself is so magical, you don’t have enough brain capacity to be lonely (ugh thats not true, I fsho knew when my mom wasn’t around) and friend recycling is so environmentally and socially friendly). I have days and weeks and months to make friendships, and I can’t expect to be completely settled in a span of three days. If anything, I’m lucky I go to school in a place where when I smile like an idiot, people smile back. When I ask my non-burrito-burrito lady how she is, she says “awesome” and grins genuinely. So what am I doing dangling off this cliff?

Oh, I know. I’m being human. The irony is that just yesterday I wrote a blog about lacking anxiety, wondering where the Rachelesque thought paradoxes had gone and why I’d lost the need to blog…obviously I didn’t post it because I knew it wasn’t needed, I simply did it out of impulse. This…this I need. I haven’t needed it for a long time, and I’m not sure how I feel about having to explore my thoughts in words before me; I use this as a theripudic tool, a way to see my thoughts laid out in clear format (HA! You call this clear? Freak.) and exploration, because it helps me step back and look at my mind with perspective instead of trying to roll my eyes back in my head and untangle the nonsensical web of distress.

So here’s what I know: I’m going to be fine. I don’t know a soul around, but I’ll find some soul connecting club or something to join. I love my watercolor class. My room needs more decorations. I’m so close to home. I’ve started to overthink again, so blogging is on the rise. There’s a pair of big blue eyes staring at me from a wooden frame on my desk, and he reminds me that I’m right where I should be.

Hahahaha, I’m rambling! WELCOME BACK SUCKERS!

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