© 2011 lefron

Are You Drunk?

Disclaimer: Nothing gets resolved.

Numerous complexes have entered my mind in the past few days, none of which I’m able to resolve/connect/find important enough to blog about (and when I try to the act of formulating a sentence feels choppy and distant, even now I’ve been backspacing about every other word), so I figured I’d make a Rachel-Brain-Patty and hopefully a big fat juicy burger (not one made of beets and dates and almonds, which I made last night at a friend’s house, and while delightfully delicious were huge posers and disgraced the title “burger” (Max if you’re reading this, no offense, they were bomb, but Rach love hurr some meat burgurr). I haven’t decided if I will start with my thoughts most recent or first thought of, and just now I’ve decided in this very moment mid sentence to start with whatever my fingertippy tips start typing first.

Yesterday a lovely lady introduced me to the world’s most accurate horoscope. Luckily I had just bought my new iPhone (since I smashed my crackberry into about 32.9 pieces this weekend, and despite my belief in magic would not turn back on after I reassembled it) and was able to download the horoscope app (along with BoobFacts, Brain Trainer, Talking Tom, LyricFinder, HBOGO, Stupid, Pandora, Skype, Netflix, FruitNinjaLite, FindiPhone, Dictionary, and FreeSexPositionsDecisionMaker (since apparently some people have that much trouble picking positions mid-sex)). The daily horoscope somehow pinpointed my very thoughts and feelings of the day, guiding me with oh-so-wise advice to “recall what you really deserve.” I assumed it was referring to the fact that I deserve a six pack, so I went to the gym.

What really struck me was a feature on the app called Druid, which from your birthday assigns to you a tree and then describes your personality type. According to Druid, I’m an Apple Tree (which is good, I was worried I’d be something lame like Hornbeam or Beech). Initially I was delightfully pleased by all the compliments it was giving me, calling me “Enticing and lovely to look at,” “able to cast love spells on others-sometimes unintentionally,” “very sensitive and sentimental,” “rarely gives up on romance,” (it was at this point that I started going hm, I sure do think alot about love, love, and love alot) “always faithful in love,” (and love) “often petite with a smooth and youthful complexion,” (okay here we go MONEY) “typically very easy on the eye” (this app is the shit) “charming and warm-hearted, these people are unselfish, guileless, and occasionally reckless-and therefore very easy to deceive” (so that’s what happened to my crackberry…) “always eager to help others,” “would share their last piece of bread with a stranger,” (no wonder I’m broke!) “despite all the above, they are not fools,” (I’m basically quoting this to you now word for word and omitting unnecessary pronouns and conjugations, but can you blame me? Look how awesome I am!) “tends to live in a moment, without preoccupying themselves with thoughts or fears of the future,” “may occasionally incur debts and then forget all about them,” (err…) “only goal is to enjoy life,” “not forceful and don’t feel the need to convince others of their beliefs,” (this is where it got super freaky, my electronic device was reading my mind) “when interested in any specific field, this sign will research and read every single thing related to the matter,” (hence my healthy knowledge of Zac Efron’s whereabouts and Megan Fox’s eyelash length) “when bored, people of this sign tend to complicate their lives and create unnecessary problems for themselves,” (see blog post before last) “crave and create harmony, and generally believe in the goodness of mankind,” (Jamie thinks it’s weird that I give everyone the benefit of the doubt). And then the money line: “This sign prefers to enjoy life in the moment, rather than waiting for the afterlife and fantasizing about heaven. To them, heaven is in the here and now.”

Alright, so now that I’ve proven I’m not the only person (yes, I know my iPhone is not a person, but SOMEONE had to write that Druid (probably Obama)) who thinks I’m insanely awesome, how the fuck can a horoscope do that? Or am I reading into vague broad statements and applying them to myself in order to believe that it can? Isn’t that what the horoscope says, that I believe in the goodness of mankind? So it is right, right? Oops! Stuck in a circle again! But seriously, even the wording struck me, as though I’ve thought the same worded phrases before and thought, “these are statements that define my being, maybe I should make them my facebook status,” then thought twice and decided, “if you wouldn’t text it to your mom, don’t make it a facebook status.”

I’m off track. Hah, was I even on any track? More like off the track…maybe in a ditch somewhere…probably deep in the forest…somewhere in Africa…asleep in a puddle…reassembling my fucking crackberry. What I’m trying to say is that this blurb based on an Apple Tree got me thinking about my personality. Just because the Druid makes these claims doesn’t mean they’re true, but let’s pretend for the sake of my mind that they are, and speculate:

RIGHT HERE, BEFORE SPECULATION, GO GET YOURSELF A CUP OF COFFEE SINCE THIS IS AN ODYSSEY.

Topic number one: Am I so unselfish, guileless, reckless, and easy to deceive? I suppose I am. I tend to over-trust people (not to be confused with confiding in/being vulnerable to people; I mean that I trust that what people tell me is the truth) and while it’s a quality I like it does leave me “deceived.” That being said, it’s not something I want to give up: I’d rather find myself hurt or wrong than assume everyone’s a shithead, and if it turns out you are a shithead, then that sucks that you’re a shithead. Boom, minimal introspection, you’re welcome!

Topic number two: Do I not feel the need to convince others of my beliefs? Nope. Whatever you think is fine with me. Just own it. Hypocrisy! Paradox! Oxymoron! (None of those words mean what I’m trying to say but they all are so close it’s obnoxious!) Really Rachel? Whatever other people think is cool as long as they stand by it, but you’re not willing to stand by your opinions? I had a phone conversation today with a pissed off classmate, and I let her go off about how people from Evergreen are destined to work at McDonalds while the people with a real education will be doctors and lawyers, and instead of telling her “hey listen lady, some people don’t want to be doctors and lawyers, and maybe working at McDonalds suits them just fine,” I kept quiet. Her opinion didn’t make me like her any less, so what part of me thinks stating mine is such an offense? I have a really hard time speaking up about what I like or want, mostly because I want everyone around me to be happy, but there’s also a part of me that’s worried if my likes or desires are not in congruence with those around me then our lack of commonality will be cause for separation. NO! (this is a technique my godmother taught my mother to do when your brain is speaking nonsense. Just shout NO! and your brain shuts the fuck up.) Additionally, if I say what I want, and the peeps I say it to decide to disown me for voicing my needs then they’re shitheads too.

Topic number three: Am I so invested in love? In the prospect of ooey gooey mushy gushy gut wrenching cupid shooting love? Yup. I definitely am. I’m a wee bit of a hippy at heart (I’d like to think I’m a hippy on the inside and Snooki on the outside), and I truly believe that love heals all. What you love ain’t none of my business, you can love your cat collection, your neighbor’s hot mom, Jamba Juice, your children, your sweet ride, the dice you hang from your sweet ride, your wife, your wife’s sister, what butt fuck ever: it’s not so much what you love but that you love which I am invested in. The feeling that “heaven is in the here and now.” And if you don’t believe in love you’re a shithead. (I had to come full circle, if I conclude twice with shithead I gotta conclude thrice, I like things in three!)

I know I said I had numerous things on the mind, but obviously this one consumed my mind for the last three hours, so I think I deserve (woops, I mean you!) a break from my brain. No but for real though, I think I’m gonna start collecting cats.

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