I’m sitting in my brand new Triplex in West Seattle glaring at my computer screen and violently tapping the down arrow scrolling past job after job that I’m not qualified for or so appalled by I’d rather eat Liz’s weight control tea by the leaf. I’ve been thinking about quitting my job for the past 22 years of my life, and yet in that period of time I’ve been unable to come up with an alternative. I go back and forth, wavering between the idea that my job is just my job and work is where I go to earn a living and I don’t need to love it nor take it home with me, and the idea that if I have a plethora of options at my fingertips, why not seize them and find a workplace that I enjoy being in, or better yet feel I’m making a difference at. I was telling my boyfriend Josh (it still feels weird saying that outloud, the last time I called someone my boyfriend was in the 10th grade and that lasted about a week because the thought of being someone’s girlfriend freaked me out so much that I fled to Puerto Vallarta and drank virgin Pina Coladas with my bff Kelly Burman to recover my pre-pubescent teen-hood. (Don’t worry Josh, I’m not freaking)) that when I worked for Cactus pre-Asia I was in love with my job. If someone needed a shift covered I was happy to help; I felt needed and valued as an employee and Cactus took such good care of me that I wanted to reciprocate. Recently its felt as though I’m avoiding the place alltogether: I feel like I broke up with Cactus on good terms, got over them, and a few months later when they wanted to get back together and no other suitors came a’knockin’ I dove back into the relationship. Except now, I’m ignoring their calls and every date feels forced and unnatural.
Unfortunately, I can’t break up with Cactus and be single and mingle. I’m forced to be in a relationship I don’t want to be in until I find someone better to ask on a date. Once I manage to find someone worthy of my courtship I’m then faced with potential rejection, and so the idea of even bothering to look seems daunting. It’s easier for me to keep my job. Ahoy, this is why I’ve been perusing the Craigslists. I’ve felt so unnervingly bored with my day to day life; there’s no challenge, no obstacle, no burden no nothin! I know I should be thanking Jesus that my life is simple and worry free: I haven’t blogged in months for that very reason. I have no anxiety to untangle, no loneliness to fill, no unhappiness to remedy…It’s not that I’d like any of that crap to contaminate my life again, I’m happier than ever and my mind is clear; I’d simply like a goal, something to reach for, because it feels like I’m resting.
SO. Whilst I sit here on my fat (FAT) ass moseying on through my days, slowly dying a slow Cactus death and painting pictures of my 80 year old self serving fajitas with my fake degree from Evergreen, I wonder how I can add a little spice to my life. (TOOK A LONG PAUSE HERE TO GLANCE AROUND THE KITCHEN AND PLAY WITH MY BELLYBUTTON). I should worry less about what my job is going to be when I grow up. Because a year ago today I would never have dreamed I’d be where I am now, in fact I probably thought I’d be living in Alex’s old smelly cat studio on Eastlake chain smoking on the back patio. Instead I live with two of my best friends in a gorgeous place footsteps from the Junction, I’m going back to school to get my degree (even if the President’s signature on the bottom is his baby’s handprint in paint), I’m crazy in love, and healthy in mind and body. Okay, I’m trying to make myself feel better, but you can go fuck yourself if you thought my blog served any other purpose than to nurture my woe-are-mes. But fo really doh, I can’t assume a year from now will be anything like I imagine it will, and letting what may or may not happen affect my daily life is a waste of precious moments.
Luke, I thought of you today while I wished my toes were in the sand somewhere and feeling disengaged from the working world; I’m reminded of the swift turn life can take after a simple phone call, that dwelling on tomorrow or yesterday isn’t as glorious as filling this moment with as much love and joy as I can. Maybe it was your youth, or maybe you were born with a little something extra, but you gave every minute of your life such an infectious sparkle. You could make a room full of people feel suddenly present and alive; you breathed technicolor.