© 2012 lefron Ass Ventura

10 Things to Keep a Cripple Occupied

This past Tuesday I decided to re-cripple myself by undergoing a second knee surgery. A few months ago I broke my tibia plateau and pulled my ACL (don’t you mean tore, Rachel? Why no, I don’t. Usually in an event like this, where a young, healthy, sexy, hot babe does a side step while fearlessly defending her goal in a soccer game, the ACL would tear on the spot. Instead, since she was so incredibly in shape, fit, and toned, her ligament was so strong that it pulled out a chunk of the tibia. Pretty impressive, I know.) So, when she had an x-ray in August, the doctors only noticed the fracture and sent her to surgery right away. While under the knife, they noticed the ACL was stretched beyond function, and removed it from the knee. Needing an ACL to continue her adventurous lifestyle, Rachel would need an ACL reconstruction surgery. She scheduled it for December 18th, 2012, so that she could use her two week winter break from work (the perks of working at a middle school) to fully recover.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, since she can’t give the community her traditional gift of a Christmas themed photo shoot, she’s devised a list of crafty things to do while glued to the couch. This list can be used by all of you fine people out there who need a source of entertainment and relief in times of strife and hardship. You’re welcome.

 

1. Look at as many pictures of Lindsay Lohan as humanly possible.

LaLohan

It will instantly make you fell less pathetic and sorry for yourself, for it will remind you that there are people out there who have it alot worse than you do. Try searching just her name in Google images, then when that gets too familiar start adding other keywords like “hair” “evolution” “before and after” and “face change.” You’ll discover some fascinating video compilations that are sure to hit the heartstrings and elevate that shrinking sense of self-worth. It’s also good for discouraging those of us who have considered regular intake of Oxycodone. Nobody wants to end up like LaLohan.

2. Finally buy all those expensive accessories you ditch at the checkout. 

Dem Accessories

I don’t know about you, but I have this wonderful habit of going shopping for something I need, and ending up buying twelve things I don’t. My brain thinks its hitting the jackpot if I get fourteen big items for the price of one small item. I therefore end up with a plethora of shitty tank tops and no accessories to speak of. Not anymore, folks, not anymore. IOffer is the hottest new website (a la moi) where cheap bitches like me can buy expensive shit like Ray Bans & Michael Kors watches straight from Asia for $15 or less. Shop Therapy is highly recommended, but this way you won’t break the bank and still look like you’re a rich hot mama.

3. Knit dat infiniti scarf you’ve alway wanted gurl.

Dat Infiniti Scarf

 

Stop boo-hooing because you can’t go outside and therefore rock that infiniti scarf you bought at H&M. All dem other hoes have it and have been flaunting it already. Instead, knit yourself an infiniti scarf to wear in three weeks when you can go outside. No one will have one like yours, because stores don’t sell scarves with holes in them. It’s the new thing. Get crafty, get knitting, and instagram your progress for crying out loud.

4. Stop eating sweets, for good.

Veggies Shmeggies

Since you can’t get up and make your own meals anyways, now is the perfect time to cut out all that junk you keep saying you’ll swear off. Since mom and boyfriend are catering to your every edible need, ask them to only make dishes that include lettuce, celery, and Splenda. Since you shouldn’t be walking around, this will be the perfect time to test your will power; if you manage to get yourself to the pantry and sneak a cookie, you truly are a fatass.

5. Download the Snapchat app and send everyone in your contact list a dirty photo. 

I<3Penis

Download the Snapchat app for your Iphone or Android and never regret it. Take a photo or use one from your phone’s library of pre-existing juicy shots, then draw pictures or write text over the photo. Select how many seconds you want to permit the recipient to view the photo (bottom left corner), and send it off. When your friend or frenemy receives said photo, they can only view it for the alloted time before it dissapears into cyber space, FOREVER.

6. Plan an Ugly Christmas Sweater White Elephant Party at your house.

Snoop Sweater

Since you won’t be able to attend all the other Christmas parties you’ve been invited to, make your own Christmas party that trumps them all. Make a Facebook event and disguise this pity party as the most awesome party of the year, and guilt all your friends into dropping their plans so that the party comes to you. Plus, since you’re recovering at your parents’ house you have the best pad to sway the crowd. Obvious decision.

7. Make some extra cash and become a short term drug dealer. 

Drugs

Text all of your friends something vague like, “yo, if you need to take the edge off, I just had surgery…hit me up.” Those who are already on the prowl for some painkillers will know what you mean. They will instantly become your bitches, and they’ll start to offer things you’d never expect. Friends you haven’t seen in months will show up to your house with six packs of beer, cookies, and gift cards to Starbucks. They will be all over your nuts in hopes of some sweet sweet relief. Pick your favorites, and overcharge them for your valuable goods. To keep the business rolling throughout your crippled time on the couch, distribute goods only once a day and ensure the entertainment and gift showering last as long as possible.

8. Finally write your secrets to Post Secret. And maybe someone else’s.

Madonnagasm

For those of you who don’t know what Post Secret is you’re basically dead idiots. People send in anonymous postcards or letters of their darkest secrets, and the website publishes them every Sunday, where we mere mortals can read them and feel better about our virtuous and decent lives. Do yourself a favor and send in every secret you have and then some. Make up obscure confessions like, “I painted my grandmother’s face blue in her sleep. Turns out she died that night.” Or, “I’ve always hated my elbows, and that’s why I stole my brother’s cancer fund.” Send them all in, and cross your fingers they all get published.

9. Re-Watch the first Season of HBO’s GIRLS. Then try to illegally download the second.

GIRLS

Everybody loves this show, and for good reason. If you don’t have HBO, use your pity card to get someone’s HBO premium password and watch them online. At first you’ll hate yourself for not being as cool as Jessa–she doesn’t know how to text and calls text messages word alerts, she’s British, and her name is Jessa for crying outloud. Then you’ll get more depressed because Shoshanna has the body god only gives sluts and your best friend, which is basically everybody but you. You will, however, grow steadily more confident as Hannah digs herself further and further into a hole each episode, and you’ll remember how lucky you are that your boyfriend doesn’t jerk off to you stealing his money and that you didn’t try to seduce and extort your boss in the same sitting. Or, you did, and now you feel less alone. Either way, we both know you’ve already failed number 4 on this list, so go ahead grab a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and get to it.

10. Use this as a free pass to watch a lot of Porn (I feel that Porn is a proper noun).

Ass Ventura

Seriously. You probably can’t have sex, whether you’re a lass or a lad. Your leg is fucked. But you’re human, and you have needs. Go on, I won’t judge you.

Hopefully these tips will keep you occupado long enough to not drown in your sorrow. Cheer up, you’ll get well soon.

XOXO Gossip Hurl

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